There is absolutely no truth in the dastardly rumour that President Vladimir Putin will appear at the opening ceremony of the 22nd Winter Olympics in Fisht Olympic Stadium, Sochi, wearing a giant condom to promote human rights. At £30bn, the cost of these games is more than the total of all other Olympic Winter Games put together. Vlad needs to keep the Russian Mafia happy. BBC Sport is sending more commentators to these tedious games than Britain has competitors. Auntie is also sending her most famous gay, Clare Balding, as anchor woman, just to get up Vlad's nose. As usual, Muslim nutters have threatened to disrupt the games. The USA is so worried about bombs in toothpaste tubes it has banned them on flights to Russia. You can view the Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony on BBC Two at 3.30 pm today (CLICK).