Tate Modern's L o n g Weekend

Tate Modern must be desperate to rake in the punters. Its latest offering is UBS Openings: The Long Weekend (26 to 29 May). This is allegedly a "major new festival of live events": films, food stalls, skateboarders, workshops, family activities, Joan Miro's "fantastic" puppet show, Trisha Brown Dance company's "ground-breaking performance" of Man Walking Down the Side of a Building, John Cage's Musicircus performed by a medley of musicians and performers, a "twenty-first century psychoanalytical, cinematic cabaret with live music by The Real Tuesday Weld", and ULTRA: "Extreme Economy in Electronic Music and Visualisation". Forget about art; just read the blurb!
Tate is bringing us all this unbelievable tosh with the help of UBS. "Tate and UBS share a vision to open up art" it trills (presumably opening it up to street vendors). But Tate is too coy to identify UBS. Is it that Swiss bank group which invested $500m in a partnership with Bank of China? (Better not be; the Brits don't like Gnomes of Zurich.) Could it be the Universal Beneficent Society? Unlikely. Ah! What about the University of Bums on Seats, which claims to be the "Antithesis of Academic Excellence"? Sounds just right for Tate Modern.